Melancholy~Panda♥

today was the last day for all of the seniors so it was kind of an odd day. Everyone was sort of freaking out because they were going to miss all their senior friends or they were seniors and they were either going to miss high school or they didn’t really feel like it was real that today was their very last school day as high schoolers.

I don’t really know why but I felt really indifferent to the whole day. I have friends that are seniors and I really will miss them but i think it’s just not the same this time around as my freshmen year when pretty much all of my friends were seniors and the ones that weren’t were moving so as a result my next year i ended up kind of alone. This year i felt even more alone because not even Evelyn was at the school with me so i didn’t really have someone to sit with at lunch. I didn’t sit alone or anything because i always have people to sit with but the people i sat with this year just weren’t the same. i felt really distant to all of them. they all had their own little world to worry about and i wasn’t really a part of it so most of this year i spent it playing games, watching dramas or doing homework. It’s not like i don’t consider them my friends or anything it’s just that i know that they aren’t people i can talk to about things. thinking about it now i don’t think there is anyone at this point in my life that i feel i can talk to about my problems. Everyone is wrapped up in their own worries and wanting to talk about their problems i kind of just push my problems to the side and try to focus on theirs. i know that won’t solve my problems but maybe if i ignore them long enough they won’t seem as bad when i go back to them.

obviously that doesn’t work because i pushed aside the fact that i needed help in math and that did was get me to almost fail the class. same with chemistry, i don’t ask for help and i just sit there slowly drowning in all my problems.

i don’t know if I’m glad the school year is over because next year i will be going to green river community college as a running start student and i am so worried and afraid that i will end up really failing my classes. the worst part about failing in college is that there is no possible way to make up that score once i fail a test that’s how it will be and i won’t have any way of changing it.

i don’t know if I’m doing the right thing taking classes over there. I’m not a very smart person and i really suck as studying so why did i allow my desire to leave high school beat my knowledge that I’m not good enough or ready for college.

19kms:

I am an ocean ―
of words and thoughts and emotions
an ocean of regret,
and an ocean of longing
for someone to dive in.

The days are starting to become nice and nicer as summer gets closer but.. I feel more and more empty and without purpose.
I come home and the first thing I want to do is fall asleep so I can just ignore all these bad thoughts. Homework isn’t even a priority anymore even though for the first time I’m actually failing one of my classes and with the school year coming to an end I should probably try harder to at least pass the class.
If even a year from now someone told me that I wouldn’t really care about failing a class I would just give them the strangest look because that’s not me. I always do well in school even when I don’t understand the material I always manage to get at least a B but now I’m struggling to get a D… I don’t know what’s happening
Maybe it’s just the fact that I don’t understand why I stress so much over these things if I might not even amount to anything. What good will any of this do me? Get me into another more difficult level of torture just to work even harder to get to an even higher level of stress? Is that all my life will really amount to? Stressful days and sleepless nights.
Or maybe I just feel this way because I have no one to fill this horribly lonely void within me. I have no one to share my fears, my dreams, my doubts or my aspirations with. I tell myself I don’t care but I do. It’s utterly terrible to feel like this every single day at all hours of the day and know that there is not a single person who is there to at least listen to my bitter sorrows.